


i lost myself

by MJA01



Category: Kpop - Fandom, SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: 3AM, Angst, Axiety, Depression, Hearing Voices, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I can't tag for shit, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, MAJOR TW, Running Away, Short One Shot, Vernon to the rescue, and dino happend to be the character playing it out, dino is just going through it, its kinda what im going through, no happy ending, tw, vernon cares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:46:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27786955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MJA01/pseuds/MJA01
Summary: (TW)Chan walked away, not knowing if anyone would care about him. voices just getting louder and louder.or chan is depressed and couldn't pretend anymore.(I WROTE THIS LATE AT NIGHT IN ONE OF MY DEPRESSIVE EPISODES, I HOPE YOU ALL ARE OKAY AND IM SORRY IF THIS STORY TRIGGERS YOU OR ANYTHING)
Relationships: Chwe Hansol | Vernon/Lee Chan | Dino, Lee Chan | Dino & Everyone
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	i lost myself

**Author's Note:**

> title inspired by the song; I lost myself - Munn
> 
> I've never posted anything on here so this is my first fic, and also a very sad one... so here you go! enjoy I guess? ( like wtf do you say to someone who's gonna read a not happy story?) 
> 
> TW
> 
> Also I didn't check the grammar or anything bc it is late as fck.

Chan walked down the cold, lonely and dark streets. It was around three am and his phone was probably blowing up. Or not. He turned it off before walking out of the dorm around an hour ago. Maybe no one noticed he was gone? Maybe no one was even awake? Or maybe they knew he was gone but didn’t care. Thoughts flooded his mind. His mind, it was never empty. The voices never let him alone. They were there, even on the moment he thought they were gone. Because before he knew, he heard a faint sound telling him he is being dramatic, and he should just kill himself. And the voice has told him that one sentence so many times that he started to believe it. Maybe he should kill himself. Those intrusive thought never left him. But when it all came down to it, he wouldn’t want the voices to go. Because happiness felt much scarier and worse than being sad, or numb. The feelings he had had been there so long by now. If they were gone, how was he supposed to go on? Being happy? Like how did that even work… 

Chan walked into a convenience store around 3:30 am. The only person there was the cashier, who looked like he wanted to go home and sleep. Chan walked up to the wall with different kinds of alcohols and took some drink which looked like it could kill him if he drank all of it in one go. He wouldn’t do that, but the thought made the voices and his mind better and peaceful. He walked up to the guy and placed the bottle on the bar. The man looked bored up. ‘Want anything else?’ he asked Chan shook his head no. he placed money on the bar and the man took it before he could say anything else since Chan already walked away. The second he was walking again he opened the bottle and took a gulp of the liquor. It tasted horrible, but the burn was worth it. He found a bench along a playground and took a seat. No one was there obliviously, it was late.

He was halfway his bottle when he took his phone out of his pocket. The time on his home screen showed 4:13 am and he just stared at it, for a strong ten minutes before really unlocking his phone and turning it back on. The second the phone was back on messages and missed calls and other ways to contact him flowed in. he had hundreds missed messages and a lot of missed calls to. His screen then got took over by another call.

Seungcheol is calling…

It made Chan laugh; did they really care about him then. Or about that it will get daylight soon and if people recognized him, seventeens image would be damaged. He watched plenty of calls from most of the members take up his screen for about twenty minutes, while taking gulps from the bottle. The way the burn faded made the voiced mad again, he needed some kind of discomfort or pain to make them happy again. So he strolled his sleeve up which showed his scars, heeled and fresh. Fresh as in the moment he left the dorm. Bloodstains on his arm and in his sleeves. It looked pathetic, the red striped were thin and small. Voices telling him that even his self-harm wasn’t good enough, that he could do that better. He could it made more notable, more painfully, more blood but no. it looked sad. He started to press and scratch on his arm to make them open again and make them hurt again. Knowing damn well when he slid the blade across his skin it didn’t hurt him because he was numb for the pain. So, he cried, hoping it would satisfied the voices. He cried and cried till the numbness took that over too. He was so busy with the voices that he totally forgot the phone, now laying on the floor. He picked it up and a little crack in his heart felled when he saw the name on the screen pop up. 

Vernon is calling…

He blinked a few times before his body took over and his mind couldn’t do anything about it anymore. His thumb pressed the green button, and a voice came through. He brought the phone to his ears but stayed quiet. ‘Holy shit, Dino this you?’ a panicked voice which definitely belonged to Vernon came through. ‘Chan, can you please let me know if this is you, please?’ he asked again. Chan stayed silence but a sob escaped his mouth. ‘My god, are you okay? Please tell me where you are. I will get you; this is all going to be okay right. I will get you if you tell me where you are. Only me, you and I together you know? Vernon and Dino, like always’. Vernon kept talking hoping for a reaction, a sign. ‘Channie, baby. Please let me pick you up. No one has to come with me, only me. You don’t have to go back to the dorms right away, if you don’t want to. Just let me be with you right now’ Vernon sounded like he wanted to cry, or already did. ‘I...’ Chan said but stopped. He heard a deep sight on the other side of the line. ‘I don’t know where I am’ he whispered. ‘That’s okay, can you look around for a street sign? Just a name and I can come to you’. He heard Vernon walking around. He looked up and only saw the playground and a big building which led to another park. ‘I’m at a playground I think...’ he said in between his sobs. ‘And a big building with a park’ he told. Voices getting louder and mad at him for being a coward and letting someone close again. ‘I know where you are, stay there for me. Keep talking or at least keep hanging on the line with me. Don’t leave me’ Vernon whispered the last sentence, like it meant more than just leaving the place where he was. He heard a car starting on the other side of the line and realization crashed into him. ‘Are you alone?’ Chan asked in panic. ‘yes baby, I’m driving now. No one is with me. No panic’ Vernon told him. A little relief waving over chan. 

Chan felt like he wasn’t even there anymore when bright lights came into his sight and stopped near the bench. The car door flew open and Vernon rushed to Chans side. ‘my god’ he whispered and took the scenario in. a now broken bottle on the floor, sleeves rolled up, Chan almost on the edge of unconscious on a bench with a phone hanging loose in his hand. Vernon picked him up and placed him in the car seat and buckled him up. He held Chans hand all the way to his destination. Hoping the younger wouldn’t let go of him, wouldn’t let go of his life. 

Chan looked around the room he was and saw Vernon walking in with a kit and a cloth. He started to clean his Chans arms but didn’t talk. ‘Where are we?’ Chan asked with the most broken voice. ‘In a hotel, I knew you didn’t want to be around everyone in this state’ Vernon explained. Chan just nodded. ‘I ill just clean you up a bit, then we can take a rest. Then figure out about what’s next? It that okay’ Vernon said. Knowing Chan couldn’t want to talk about what happened right away.  
So, when they laid down in the bed, Vernon having his arms strong around Chans waist. Holding on to him for his dear life. He eventually did ask him one question. ‘What made it bad again?’ he asked the younger, they all knew had Chan struggled with issues before. ‘I never not felt like this, I just couldn’t pretend anymore’ he answered. And Chan maybe didn’t hear it, but a sound of something that was breaking was there, the sound came from Vernon’s heart. Breaking into pieces. Because he never noticed. 

Few months later.

Chans sat down on the couch in the dorms living room and looked up to Jeonghan who stood in front of him. ‘Should I ride with you to the therapist later?’ he asked the younger with a small smile. Chan couldn’t reject him so nodded yes. ‘It’s going better isn’t it? I can see it’ Jeonghan said and ruffled his hair before heading to Jisoo who asked for him, leaving Chan all alone again. He felt the hurting inside of him, and the proud voices getting louder, because someone told him he looked better. When he in fact couldn’t care less about dying. When he felt like living was not living anymore but surviving. But the voices were proud, why? You may ask. Well, he pretends it so well since a few months that once again, no one noticed how he fell more and more apart by the hours that passed. But just a smile, just a laugh, just a waking up and every member thought he was getting better. But no, it was all fake. 

Chan never learned what true happiness was again and lived further and further in the state of slowly dying but still living. Hoping some day someone or something will take him out of his misery.

**Author's Note:**

> hi I never posted any of my stories and never checked this one on grammar or anything because I just couldn't get my self to read it since I wrote it in a bad state, so I just dropped it here. 
> 
> thanks for reading!


End file.
